Cracked & Crushed Read online

  The club had helped them both get clean and they’d been inseparable. Best friends ever since despite their nine or ten year age difference. Reaver even wore Trigger’s dog tags in among the myriad of other necklaces and charms around his neck.

  “You just had happen to you what happened and here I am, losing my shit, doing things I have no fucking right to be doing… I’m your friend before anything else Hayden. I don’t want to fuck that up. I want to keep you in my life.” I looked up sharply, and sure enough, his deep blue eyes were welling with tears.

  “Please tell me I did not just fuck that up?” he said and the begging, the pleading in his voice it damned near broke my heart.

  “No. No you didn’t I promise,” I said hugging him, crushing myself to him. “I promise we’re okay,” I said and my voice shook because honestly the thought of no more Reaver in my life made me want to wade out into the surf and drown myself.

  We stayed like that, for how long I don’t know, but eventually he stood up with me cradled in his arms and I let him.

  “Where are we going?” I asked softly.

  “We’re going to get cleaned up, and then I’m taking you to dinner if that’s okay?” I nodded and looked at him.

  “I’d like that, and maybe look around town?” I suggested timidly.

  “Sounds good,” he said.

  “Reaver?” I asked after a long silence, he stopped mid stride across the back yard to the B&B.

  “Yeah Doll?” he asked me.

  “Am I completely fucked up… you know… for liking what you did in there?” He sucked in a breath and shuddered, closing his eyes.

  “No Doll. No you’re not, but can we please not talk about it for a while?” he asked.

  “Sure, yeah! No, I get it.” I shook my head as if clearing it, “Too soon,” I said and he nodded and set me on my feet on the back porch.

  “Yeah too soon,” he agreed.

  We went inside and cleaned up, and by cleaned up I mean I hopped in the shower and rinsed off the sand and found some freaking underwear and redressed. When I came out of the bathroom Reaver looked perfect. His boots were back on and his cut was off the floor and back on his body. I gave him a brave smile and he smiled back.

  “Not sure I like you riding in shorts and a tee shirt,” he said frowning. I pulled my ID and my American Express credit card out of my wallet and added it to the cash in my back pocket. I shrugged.

  “Yolo,” I said.

  “Yo-low? What the fuck is that?” he asked and his expression was priceless. I laughed and spelled it out.

  “Y-O-L-O. It stands for You Only Live Once,” I explained. He grinned and his arm snapped out and hooked around my neck and shoulders. He pulled me into his side and hugged me, laughing and this felt like the old Reaver, the Reaver and me that were friends all those times Andy was out of town and I was blessed enough to hang with Ashton and the MC, even if I did sometimes feel set apart or branded as ‘other.’

  We went out and down the stairs, locking up the room behind us.

  “What was wrong with those pajamas anyways?” I asked him as we went out the front door. I couldn’t help thinking about it. He raised an eyebrow and the small teardrop tattoo by his eye rippled with the movement.

  “Baby, you have a bangin’ body. Those were old man pajamas,” he said. I scoffed incredulous.

  “They were pink!” I said.

  “They were a shirt and pant set that grandpas wear as they shuffle in those weird half slipper things down the nursing home hallway,” he declared and got onto his bike, Baby.

  I got up behind him and he handed me the half helmet. I put it on and smiled. I’d never ridden with anyone else. Just Reaver. He didn’t know it, but he was the only one I trusted with my safety enough to get on the back of a motorcycle with. I’m sure there were others in the MC that were trustworthy enough and that I would be safe enough with but Reaver was the only one I felt safe with.

  “What you thinking about so hard back there?” he asked and I blinked.

  “Nothing!” I lied.

  “Yeah. Okay,” he said like he didn’t believe me and started up the bike.

  The air was hot and heavy outside and felt delicious moving against my skin. Reaver rode easy, obeying all the speed limits, which, predictably in a small tourist town, were slower than molasses in January. I looked around, for the first time since getting here, through the polarized lenses of my sunglasses.

  “What sounds good!?” he called over the bike’s engine and I realized that, finally, I was hungry.

  “Fish and chips!” I called back and he nodded once. We lived in a land locked state, so when in a coastal town you got your sea fish while the getting was good. It was nothing but trout and catfish back home.

  He backed his bike next to a line of them outside a beachfront bar proclaiming the best fish and chips in town. We’d passed another bar proclaiming they were the best drinks in town and the second best fish and chips. They had an arrow on their sandwich board pointing the way to the best. It was funny. This bar proclaimed the second best drinks in town and the best fish and chips with an arrow pointing back to the bar we’d just passed for the best drinks.

  Reaver and I shared in some laughter over the signs. Way to help each other out!

  “You good?” he asked after I fussed over my hair a bit in the side view mirror.

  “I need some gel,” I said and made a face.

  “We’ll stop and get you some,” he said and steered me in the direction of the bar.

  It was crowded inside but open and airy. The tang of frying fish filled the air and my stomach rumbled. We waited and were seated at a four person booth. I didn’t miss the curious stares of a lot of the natives when Reaver walked past in his cut. I chewed my bottom lip thoughtfully and sat down.

  We ordered drinks, I asked for something tropical and fruity while Reaver just got a beer. We smiled at each other across the well-worn table and it was a little bit awkward but not too bad.

  “So when you planned this trip what did you have in mind?” he asked over the slight din of the bar.

  “A lot of things actually,” I told him, sipping my drink which was frosty, perfect and tasted like coconut.

  “Gonna have to elaborate Doll,” he said and winked I smiled at him.

  “I wanted to try snorkeling,” he nodded, “and I heard there’s a lighthouse up the coast a little ways that’s supposed to be haunted. I wanted to see that!” I said and he raised his eyebrows.

  “You like a good ghost story?” he asked and I nodded.

  “There’s just, something so beautiful about them you know? Everyone’s story is different. I feel a bit sorry for them, being trapped like that… Unable to let go. There something hauntingly sweet about the lighthouse ghost.” He laughed at me.

  “What!?” I asked.

  “You just described a ghost as ‘hauntingly sweet’ Doll,” he said dryly and took a sip of his beer.

  “So?” I asked.

  “So it’s a ghost! Doesn’t that mean by definition that it’s going to be haunting?” I blinked at him, well of course he was right but my attention was suddenly drawn to the wall of black beside our table. I looked up at two men dressed in leather and blinked.

  “Aren’t you hot?” I blurted without thinking. The two men laughed and Reaver stood up and stuck out his hand to one of them. He had long, medium brown hair pulled back into a pony tail and a goatee. He was going slightly gray at the temples and in his facial hair but he seemed handsome enough. His brown eyes almost perfectly matched his hair in color and it was sort of striking. He smiled down at me while he shook Reaver’s hand.

  “Hayden this is Cutter, president of the Kraken motorcycle club. Sorry, I haven’t met you.” Reaver held out his hand to the other man. I looked over to him.

  He stood only slightly taller than Reaver and Cutter, so to me, he was pretty much a giant. Reaver was six foot three to my five foot three and I’ve been petite all my life so I was pretty much
used to it.

  He was a blonde so light and cut so short it gave the illusion that it was dandelion fluff rather than hair. His eyes were just as pale, so clear and so light it was as if you looked into his soul through a slightly dirty window pane.

  “Pyro,” he said and shook Reaver’s hand.

  “You weren’t kidding about those eyes,” Cutter said, his gaze fixed on me.

  “You should see my friend Ashton’s,” I said, “Here I’ll show you,” and I reached for my phone that was no longer there…

  “Oh wait. I can’t because Reaver threw my phone in the ocean.” I scowled at Reaver who grinned bigger at me.

  “Relax, Doll. I told you I’d buy you a new one,” he told me and I felt my lips twist in a wry grin.

  “Do I even wanna know why you threw the woman’s phone in the ocean?” Cutter asked grinning. Pyro didn’t look like he ever smiled.

  “No,” I said. My smile fading. Reaver looked me over and smoothed down his hair. An uncomfortable silence ensued.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you,” Cutter said and I looked sharply up at Reaver, my expression likely mutinous.

  “Had to tell him why I was on his turf Baby,” Reaver said and had the grace to look apologetic I nodded solemnly and sucked down some of my drink.

  “Mind if we join you?” Cutter asked. Reaver looked at me and I nodded softly. Cutter gave me a megawatt smile and slid into the booth beside me before Reaver could or before I could get up and switch to Reaver’s side of the table.

  Reaver didn’t look happy about it and I stilled him with a slight smile. I believed in him, despite his repeatedly telling me he wasn’t worth it.

  “You good?” he asked me anyways.

  “I’m good,” I said and our waitress returned and set down our food. Pyro and Cutter placed their orders while Reaver and I began to eat. Cutter looked over his shoulder and down at me and I tried not to blush.

  “You want to call Sunshine?” Reaver asked. I looked up.

  “Can I?” I asked, then looked at the two other men, “Would you mind?” I asked.

  “Not at all!” Cutter said and smiled down at me. Pyro gave me a chin lift.

  Reaver slid his phone across the table at me and I picked it up. He smiled and I hit the switch.

  “Fifty-one fifty. She’s listed at ‘Trigger’s girl’. Put it on speaker,” he said and I tapped in the numbers. Five one five zero. I scrolled through and dialed the number. Ashton’s smiling face filling the screen. Cutter gave a low whistle.

  “Told you,” I said and put it on speaker.

  “Reaver I swear to god! Why haven’t you called me!?” her lyrical voice floated out of the phone.

  “Well I would have called you by now but he threw my phone into the ocean!” I said.

  “Oh my God Hayden! How are you doing?” she asked. I heard Trigger’s low rumble of a voice ask a question but I couldn’t make it out.

  “Trigger wants to know if Reaver pitched your phone because you were talking to the douche canoe,” Ashton said.

  “Yeah!” Reaver called out.

  “Oh, in that case, I’ll buy you a new one. You know I’m good for it,” she said. I made an incredulous noise.

  “You know you were the sweetest thing before these two barbarians got a hold of you!” I cried, joking. I heard kissing.

  “Hey you should try these two barbarians. I might be willing to share my Viking.” There was a shriek and a giggle and I felt my face fall. I wondered for a brief second if I would ever have what Ashton had with Trig. My eyes met Reaver’s and his gaze was unreadable.

  “Hayden?” Ashton asked.

  “Yeah I’m here,” but my voice trembled, giving me away.

  “Awww honey, I’m sorry! Reaver you take care of her!” Ashton called.

  “On it Babes. See you when I get home,” Reaver called.

  “Keep the shiny side up brother!” Trigger called and Reaver ended the call, I closed my eyes but it was too late. The melt down had started.

  “Awe Sweetheart,” I heard from my side and I closed my eyes and dragged in a breath, then another and another but I suddenly felt like I couldn’t get enough air.

  “Excuse me,” I heard Reaver say and suddenly the unfamiliar presence at my side was replaced with Reaver’s somewhat familiar one.

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I repeated and the tears flowed. I didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t breathe and my pulse raced and I felt hot and shaky.

  “Breathe Baby Doll, breathe for me.” Reaver captured my face between his hands.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked and his voice was calm.

  “We had everything planned,” I keened.

  “School, work, when the time was ready, married, kids… all of it and he just decided all of a sudden I wasn’t good enough for any of it! It hurts!” I cried. “It just hurts so damned much that he never loved me! Every time he said it every time he looked me in the eye every time he kissed me he was lying! It was all lies and he let me get up in front of all those people before he told me so!” I was talking a hundred miles an hour and I couldn’t get enough air. Reaver crushed me to his chest and held me tight.

  “Shhhh, Baby it’s okay. Shhhh,” he said.

  “It’s not okay! What’s happening to me!? What’s wrong with me!?” I cried, but it was muffled by his chest.

  “You’re having a panic attack Babes, but it’s okay. Okay? It’s okay. I’m here.” He held me tight.

  “But it’s not okay!” I cried and sobbed. Reaver pulled back and looked me in the eye.

  “What’d I tell you on the beach? Hmm?” he asked me and his angry tone made my brain scramble for the answer. I didn’t want to disappoint him too… not like Andy, not like my mother.

  “You said you wanted me to be happy,” I said.

  “What else?”

  “That you wanted to protect me.”

  “Uh huh and what else?”

  “That I was more addictive than heroin?” I felt like I was failing him, I wasn’t giving him the right answer.

  “Okay close, what else Baby what else did I tell you?”

  “That you loved me from the first time you saw me…” I said and the world snapped back into place.

  “Bingo. And I’m not about to stop now.” He smiled at me and pulled me tight against him. I closed my eyes.

  “I really don’t deserve you,” I said miserably.

  “Naw Babe, you deserve much better,” he said.

  “I dunno, you seem like an all right guy to me.” Cutter said from across the table, a serene little smile on his lips.

  I felt myself blush to the very roots of my hair.

  “S’okay L’il Bit. You’ve had a real shitty couple of days, I get that,” he said.

  “Uh, thank you,” I said. Pyro had disappeared. The rest of the bar seemed oblivious to my little melodrama.

  “He went out to smoke. He can’t handle emotional women. Especially pretty ones,” he explained and smiled thinly. That so did not make me feel any better. I felt like such an asshole.

  “Surprised you held it in this long,” Reaver said and popped a fry from his plate into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

  “I feel like I’ve completely lost my mind…” I said dully.

  Cutter pushed my drink at me.

  “Drink up, numb it out for now. You look like you could use it,” he said dryly.

  “I am so sorry…” I started.

  “Don’t be,” he said and Pyro returned.

  “Where you guys live?” he asked us. I answered him without even thinking. Reaver didn’t seem bothered by it though. Pyro mulled it over nodding to himself.

  “Want me to kill him?” he asked and my green eyes got really wide. Reaver went really still and quiet beside me.

  “I was only kidding!” the blonde man put his hands up and I blinked. I blushed faintly.

  “Reaver didn’t earn those switchblade patches playing checkers,” Cutter said quietly.
Pyro’s eyes got wide.

  “Missed that,” he stated mildly.

  I shook as if waking from a bad dream and drank down more of my sweet drink. Pyro got up again and returned with another and set it down in front of me.

  “On me,” he said and I smiled across the table at him.

  “So what do you do?” Cutter asked me and the conversation turned to much more low key, much more normal things.

  It turned out that Reaver did dry wall installation and general contracting. I hadn’t known that and that had made me think about it, I mean really think about it, and I was surprised to realize that after more than a year of knowing him, I didn’t know very much about Reaver at all. I mean he was attractive in that bad boy sort of way that made my heart pick up pace whenever I looked at him and I knew he worked out regularly at the YMCA because that’s where I met him.

  I knew that he was in the Sacred Heart’s motorcycle club and I knew he was, um, sexually adventurous, from what Ashton told me. I knew he used to be addicted to heroin and how he’d gotten away from it… I knew he liked vanilla over the taste of chocolate and his favorite beer was an IPA. I knew he liked knives and abhorred guns. He said that guns were too impersonal.

  I listened politely to Cutter who was a maritime salvage operator, whatever that meant, and thought to myself that, okay… maybe I did know a few more things than I thought I did about Reaver. Still, how did you know someone for a year and more and not know what they did for a living?

  “What are you thinking about so hard over there L’il Bit?” Cutter asked me and I blinked, my train of thought coming to a violent and sudden end.

  “I didn’t know what you did for a living,” I said, addressing Reaver.

  “Didn’t?” he asked, surprised.

  I shook my head and his mouth turned down at the corners.

  “Meh, it’s a job… a way to pay the bills. Guess I never thought about it,” he said.

  “I just thought it strange that I’ve known you over a year and yet never knew what you did for a living… I don’t know. I guess maybe I was closed off? So busy planning my wedding and things I just never…” It was incredibly sad and more than a little embarrassing that I didn’t know. God, what kind of self-absorbed…