Shattered & Scarred Read online

  “I think so.” She said softly. Damn she was hard to hear, and I nodded and we hit check out.

  It was a relatively short drive back to the clubhouse and mid-way there her soft voice floated across the interior to reach me.

  “I’ll pay you back.”

  “You think about what you want to do for work?” I asked her.

  “I don’t know what I can do with a liberal arts degree.” She said and my eyebrows went up.

  “Not a fuck of a lot.” I said and laughed, she sobered; her face turned toward the glass and it reflected panic back at me.

  “Don’t worry about it right now. You have to heal up and look presentable before you can even start looking. That’s going to take a couple of weeks. We’ll be at the clubhouse for one of ‘em. I got to find a place for us after that. So just… don’t worry about a thing until then. Okay?” I looked over at her and she was staring at me with this strange sort of awe on her face.

  “Okay.” She whispered, and we finished the rest of the ride in silence.

  Chapter 4

  Ashton…

  “I’m just going to set ‘em on the bed,” he said pushing through his bedroom’s door.

  “You take your time going through things, get square and come out and join the party if you feel like it. If not, I’ll be in later tonight. No pressure either way.” I nodded dumbly and belatedly registered what he’d said.

  “Something to sleep in…” I mumbled as he was headed back out the door.

  “What?” he popped his head back in and I cringed.

  “I forgot something to sleep in.” I said a bit louder for his benefit and waited for the yelling, the screaming…

  “Use the dress shirt. Keep it, it’s yours.” He said with a shrug and ducked out the door. I blinked after him and sank slowly to the bed. I closed my eyes while the room spun for a moment. Just so much was happening in too short of an amount of time… I swallowed hard and began to sort through the many bags our shopping trip had yielded.

  Ethan had bought a plastic caddy for my toiletries to go into, to make it simpler to carry them back and forth to the restroom. I spent several long minutes loading it with what we’d purchased until I was satisfied, then I went and brushed my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror for a long minute and took the brush he’d bought me to my hair. I brushed it until it was only slightly wavy and it shone and then peeked into the hall.

  I waited until it was clear and then ghosted up its length to Ethan’s door, shutting the door tightly behind me. I closed my eyes and felt torn. I wanted to be safe, where no one could judge or hurt me but I had to admit to myself the only person I felt safe around so far was Ethan… and maybe Doc and by extension Chandra.

  I pulled out clothes and tore off tags, hanging things neatly in the closet while I made up my mind. I turned back to the bed and decision made, I set about getting dressed. New bra, new panties and it was amazing how much better I felt just with those things. I hung up the dress I’d arrived in, hiding it in the back of the closet, apart from my new things.

  I trailed fingers along the crisp cotton of the dress I’d chosen today and told myself I really didn’t need to be brave. That I could stay here, in the room and wait for Ethan to come back and that would be okay… but I found myself picking up the dress anyways. I stepped into it and shrugged into the straps and with a deep breath, reached around back where I zipped it almost all the way up.

  I couldn’t make it all the way, I wasn’t flexible enough in my current state so the top three inches of the zipper stayed down. I let my hair cover it and slipped my feet into the plain brown sandals which hurt but I was used to the pain by now. Or at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

  It was a white sundress in the baby doll style and fit like a dream. The edge was hemmed in white eyelet lace and the lines of it were crisp and clean. It fell to just above my knees and was more modest than what I had arrived in which pleased me. I found myself hoping it would please Ethan as well and that startled me.

  While it was true I was afraid of this new life… I wasn’t looking to replace Chadwick with Ethan. I swallowed. That would not only be wrong, horribly twisted, it would also be completely unfair to Ethan. I sat down on the bed and sniffed even as bass beats began filtering through the wall from the common area of the club house out front.

  God help me I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do and after so long, so many years of being told what to do, of being a prisoner in Chadwick’s home, I didn’t fully know how to operate out here. On my own… I closed my eyes and wiped away some more stray tears. A soft knock came at the door.

  “Come in…” I said softly and realized whoever it was couldn’t hear me. I got up and cracked the door. Chandra gave me a one sided smile.

  “Oh look at you!” she exclaimed, “Can I come in?” I nodded and opened the door wider and she slipped in. She lightly grasped my shoulders and looked me over.

  “You go out there you need to stay close to Trigger you understand me?” she asked.

  I nodded and turned around to pick up the white headband that had come with the dress. She snapped my zipper up the final three inches for me without being asked and I jumped but turned back around smiling, grateful.

  “I mean it darlin’. You don’t want anyone mistaking you for a club whore.” I nodded gravely and slid the headband into my hair so it would hold it back from my face. Chandra fluffed some of my hair forward over my shoulders and smiled.

  “Look a lot better without all them bruises but you’re lovely.” She smiled at me and I gave one back in return hoping it wasn’t as weak as I felt it was.

  “Ready?” she asked me and I nodded meekly and followed her into the hall, closing the door tightly behind me. I followed Chandra to the common room and was immediately assaulted by the noise and laughter. It was crowded. The sharp crack of pool balls from over at the table made me jump but I don’t think anyone noticed.

  Chandra led me out the front door. A group of men stood to one side smoking and talking softly and I stopped short. The Sacred Heart emblem emblazoned on the back of Ethan’s vest seemed larger than life against his broad back. Chandra called out to him…

  “Yo Trig!” and he turned but his eyes weren’t on her, they landed immediately on me and something feral and frightening passed through them before being swallowed up into their depths. I’d seen looks like that before from men, from Chadwick even, but where the look from Chadwick had caused a slow curl of dread to constrict my heart the look from Ethan did something entirely different.

  Butterflies swirled in my stomach and my hand unconsciously went there, smoothing down the front of my dress. Ethan looked me over from head to toe and back again and all conversation had ceased between the men. Chandra dragged me forward and my legs felt leaden but they went. I drew even with Ethan and looked up at him.

  “You keep a close eye on her Trigger, now I mean it.” Chandra admonished.

  “Yes Ma’am.” He said and took my hand in his much larger one. “Ashton you look great.” He added.

  “Thank you.” I murmured, he turned back to the men and they resumed talking in low tones and so I did what I was best at, I stood at Ethan’s side as a decoration with no mind of her own. I listened of course. I couldn’t help that. They were speaking on details about a run. Where they would stop, how long it would take but were carefully neutral on where or what they would be doing exactly.

  Ethan kept stealing looks at me and finally turned to me.

  “I’m doing it aren’t I?” he asked.

  “What?” I asked startled.

  “Guys, I’m gonna catch you later.” He said over his shoulder, “Ashton’s feet are a mess and I don’t want her standing here.” He took me gently by the elbow and led us slowly inside out of the growing chill.The music was loud and the laughter louder. He found us a pair of chairs at a smaller table and asked me what I’d like to drink. I asked for water and he came back with one and a beer. He settled across fr
om me.

  “What did you think you were doing?” I asked genuinely curious.

  “Treating you like the fuckwit.” He said and I arched a brow.

  “You’re worth more than simply standing there looking pretty on my arm while the grownups talk.” He grinned and I was struck by how straight and white his teeth were.

  “That’s all right…” I said and he took a pull off his beer.

  “Bullshit.” He said and I fell quiescent.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I’m sorry for arguing.” I said, “Of course you were right I…” he laughed and shook his head incredulously.

  “Don’t fucking apologize to me for having an opinion Sunshine, you’re fine.” He leaned back in his seat and I nodded staring vacantly at the scarred wooden table top.

  He sat across from me watching me and I took a sip of my water.

  “Ask me something.” He said finally and I looked up startled.

  “What do you want me to ask you?” I asked and he laughed.

  “I want you to ask me something you want to know about me.” He said.

  “Why did you stop?” I asked. His eyes softened and he looked over my face.

  “Because I had to… I couldn’t just let you keep walking. You were going to freeze to death, or worse… Couldn’t let it happen Babe.” He took another drink of his beer.

  I closed my eyes and allowed myself just a sliver of a moment of self-pity, just a millisecond of wishing that he could have driven right by and that I froze… Chadwick was still out there and I would be a fool to think he wasn’t looking for me. That he wouldn’t do something…

  “What are you thinking?” Ethan asked me and I looked up sharply.

  “About what would have happened, had you not stopped when you did.” I said.

  “You ain’t gotta worry about it Babe, because I did. Okay?” he gave me a pointed look and I nodded carefully.

  “You want to tell me about it?” he asked and I opened my mouth and did… All of it, from the time Chadwick and I met to when it started to go downhill all the way up until now.

  I tired quickly and it wasn’t long after that, I fell silent. A shadow fell over me. I jolted and looked up fearfully, I‘d been lost inside my own head, but it was Ethan. He bent and scooped me up before I could protest. I sort of loved that he carried me like he did. I felt safe in his arms and could almost pretend for a moment that I was something to be treasured.

  He took me back to the room and set me carefully on the edge of the bed.

  “Ethan.” I called before he could duck back out the door.

  “Yeah Sunshine?” he asked.

  I blushed, I could feel the warmth flood my face.

  “What is it Ashton?” he asked, voice kind.

  “Um can you help me with my…” I waved at my back and he smiled.

  “Sure.” He murmured.

  I stood carefully and turned and the fabric of my dress parted smoothly. I turned to say thank you but the room was empty, the door swinging wide where Ethan had been. I shut the door and hung the dress neatly in the closet. I put my bra back in the bag with the rest of my unmentionables and hung it on the inside of the closet doorknob as a sort of impromptu underwear drawer.

  I pulled on Ethan’s dress shirt and buttoned it and flipped out the overhead light. I took the side of the bed furthest from the door and was asleep before my head could even touch the pillow.

  Chapter 5

  Trig…

  Shit, that had been way too hard… I thought to myself as I strode down the hall back to the heat and noise of the party. I kept visualizing the parting material revealing the smooth perfect skin of her back. It had been an exercise in self-control not to unhook her bra and bring my lips to the side of her neck which was so fucking wrong on so many levels given what she’d just been through.

  I went to the bar and ordered a Tequila. Doc turned on his stool and looked me up and down.

  “She all right?” he drawled.

  “Yeah.” I tossed back the shot and let the burn go down, fiery but smooth.

  “You all right?” he asked, eyes twinkling with laughter.

  “Yeah.” I grunted and took a second shot immediately after the first and grinned.

  “Under your skin?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I nodded and my smile soured.

  “It’s about time boy, and from what I’ve seen so far, not a bad choice.” He slapped me on the back and I closed my eyes.

  “I’m not ready for anything and she’s damn sure not ready for anything.” I shrugged off his hand and Doc leaned back.

  “Well like it as not, yer in it for the long haul with this one.” He reminded me.

  “I know.” I grated shooting a look over in Dray’s direction. He’d forced my hand in Church that morning. Only way I could have her here and not be passed around was to declare her my Old Lady. Really it was meaningless, a formality on paper only, but damned if I wanted to explain it. She’d been owned by her husband for far too long as it was and I didn’t want that stink on me.

  “She know?” Doc asked.

  “Nope and I’m going to do my best to keep it that way. She was owned by her husband for the better part of the last ten years of her life, she deserves freedom.” I didn’t want to talk about Ashton or club business anymore. I just wanted to go to bed which was tough as Hell with her in it.

  “So what’re you going to do?” Doc asked.

  “I’m going to find us an apartment, get her into her own room, her own space, then I’m going to help her find a job.” The world was becoming slightly fuzzy around the edges from the alcohol.

  “Got it all planned out then huh?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I took two more shots in rapid succession.

  “Good luck with that.” He commented sardonically and I snorted.

  I got up and staggered down the hall, back to my room. I leaned against the wall outside the door and slid to the floor. By no means was I passing out drunk. I just wasn’t ready to face Ashton’s soft lithe body tucked into my own. I let the shots blur out the sharp edges of my consciousness before I staggered to my feet. I opened the door and the light fell across Ashton’s sleeping face. She looked like an angel and I felt torn. She stirred and her golden eyes blinked up at me in confusion.

  “Ethan..?” her soft voice asked.

  “Yeah Sunshine, just me. Go back to sleep.” My voice was rough with tequila and a jumble of emotion.

  She reached out a small hand and patted the mattress beside her and I felt my lips curve into a smile.

  “You want me in there with you?” I asked, pulling my arm out of the sleeve of my jacket.

  “It’s your bed.” She sighed out.

  “Yeah.” I murmured, awkwardly toeing off my boots, stumbling as I did it. I almost missed it when she murmured…

  “You make everything safe.”

  I stopped and the taste of tequila suddenly went sour in my mouth. Me, make everything safe? Christ if only she knew how much I wanted to do some very unsafe things to her. I hung my head and ripped my belt angrily out of its buckle, unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans with more force than necessary. The proof of my desire for her springing free of my undone fly almost immediately.

  I tried thinking of anything to get it to go down and really all it took was catching sight of the bruises and swelling marring her cheek and jaw. I looked her over one last time before I shut the door and got into bed beside her. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. Wishing there were just a little light in here for me to see her by.

  It wasn’t long before she shifted, scooting closer to me. I lay on my back and she snugged herself into my side. Her breathing deepening smoothing evenly back into sleep. I asked myself, not for the first time and probably not for the last just what it was I thought I was playing at but like all the times I had thought it before I came up empty on answers. Ashton twitched against me and I put my arms around her, gathering her close. I sighed. I had a lot to d
o tomorrow…

  When I opened my eyes, for the second morning in a row, I found myself alone even though I hadn’t gone to sleep that way. I coughed and sat up, wondering where Ashton had gotten to now. I pulled on the pair of jeans from the night before over my boxers and leaving them undone, went for the bathroom. I needed to hydrate so my next stop was out to the common room for some water and like the day before, that’s where I found Ashton.

  I leaned a shoulder against the door jamb and watched her move, wraith like through the room. A giant black trash bag her only companion. Bottles clinked softly as she slid them in, cans rattled as she moved from table to table cleaning up the MC’s mess. Her expression was heart breaking. Withdrawn and solemn and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I raked a hand through my hair and pulled it back. I fished in my pocket for a hair elastic and tied it off.

  “Ashton, Babe, stop.” I said and she froze.

  “It needs to be clean.” She said and looking lost she went back to picking up.

  “Yeah I get that but it doesn’t need to be cleaned up by you Babe.” I strode to her and she backed up a step.

  “I need to do it.” she said plaintively.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because it’s normal, it’s the only thing I’m good for and its…”

  “It’s what? What’s expected?” I stooped to capture her far off golden gaze with my own. She looked at me and her shoulders slumped.

  “Yes.” She answered solemnly, “It’s what he would have expected.”

  “It’s okay Sunshine,” I said pulling her into a hug. She was stiff in my arms.

  “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. No one expects it out here…”

  “…but we appreciate it.” Doc called from the doorway. Ashton jumped in my arms and I let her go, forcing a smile onto my face.

  “That we do.” I said. She nodded but wouldn’t look at either of us and continued picking up after the festivities. She wore those black workout pants that kissed her every curve. She also wore a lavender tee that fit her like a dream. Her feet were clad in her new sneakers and her hair rode in a braid over her slender shoulder, a thick rope of auburn that I wanted to twine around my hand as I pulled her mouth to mine.